I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
