Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
