Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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