Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
