My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
All I want is dick and wine.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
