I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
