It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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