I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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