you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
porn star boner night. come get it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
