she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
