I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
