Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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