got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
