We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
