I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
