Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
