I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
