i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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