you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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