haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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