Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
