i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
