You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
