she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
