My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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