wrigley field is MILF paradise
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
