Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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