i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
