my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Randomize
