you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
