remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
