Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
