So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
