The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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