Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
