Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
