It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
