YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize