im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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