Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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