Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
