Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
