I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
