How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
