Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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