I am midnight drunk by noon
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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