Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize