I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
