also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
