The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
