man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
