I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
