life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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