i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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