I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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