Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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