Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
