are you still at the devil's house?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
