Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
