My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
