sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
