Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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