guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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