smell my finger.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize